The Ever-Mindful Parent
By: Michael Toto, M.S. Ed., BCBA, LBA-CT
When we blend psychology with the science of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA), it often yields some pretty remarkable outcomes. One such outcome is the study and impact of mindfulness. Being mindful is the ability to focus less on judging your own thoughts while focusing more on being in the moment (Ahemaitijiang et al., 2020). Ongoing evidence suggests that when parents or caregivers learn to be mindful (i.e., appreciating the moment) it could lead to significant increases in their happiness and the happiness of people around them (Beer et al., 2013). Mindfulness training has not only been found to enhance the quality of life of people and their families, but it has also been found to improve sibling relationships (N.N. Singh et al., 2007). Finally, mothers that regularly implemented mindfulness were found to have significantly less stress (N.N. Singh et al., 2014). In order to reap the full benefits of mindfulness, the following techniques should be practiced daily:
“Soles of the Feet” Meditation: This practice asks that the individual focus on a truly neutral object, one that is neither positive nor negative, e.g., a painting in your room. It asks that you focus on the present moment as opposed to past experiences and events. The key is to focus on a neutral object instead of focusing on a current aversive or difficult situation. The following is a step-by-step guide:
Sit down with a straight spine (no slouching).
Tilt your head slightly forward.
Close your eyes lightly.
Place your tongue at the roof of your mouth.
Place your left hand on your left thigh and your right hand on your right thigh.
Move your toes and try to feel your shoes (or try to feel the socks covering your toes).
Breathe in for three seconds and breathe out for three seconds. Repeat this process about three times.
Pay attention to the flow, or pace, of your breath.
As your mind wanders, refocus your attention on the flow of your breathing.
Once you feel calm, stand up and walk with a smile. Then, if necessary, respond to an incident with a clear mind.
S.T.O.P: This mindfulness tool reminds people in stressful situations to Stop, Take a Breath, Observe, and Proceed. A small visual or sign could be placed in your home in locations where you are most likely to experience distress, e.g., your child’s playroom. When stressful situations arise, such as your child refusing to follow an important direction, you could reference the sign and move through the following sequence:
Simply stop right where you are.
Take a breath and bring yourself back to the present moment (as opposed to thinking about past or future events). Take several breaths and focus on the flow of your breathing.
Observe how you are feeling and what you are thinking. Acknowledge those feelings, take several more breaths, and bring yourself back to the present moment.
Proceed in addressing the current situation with a clear plan and full self-awareness.
Surfing the Urge: Many parents feel the urge or desire to immediately react to their child’s challenging behaviors or any other distressing event, e.g., the living room you just cleaned is a mess again Surfing the urge is a practice in which parents and caregivers attempt to demonstrate greater self-control, especially when their urges rise and fall like waves in an ocean. Like waves, our reactive urges temporarily rise but then eventually dissipate when we choose to not engage in such reactive behaviors. Your deep breathing could be the surfboard in which you, “ride out the wave” to reach calm waters with an open mind. This allows you to demonstrate greater self-control by not allowing powerful emotions to cloud feelings of calm. The goal is to respond to challenging situations with full awareness and less impulsivity.
Self-Monitoring: Research continues to demonstrate that when parents and caregivers learn to self-monitor how often they implement mindfulness interventions, it helps them track their own behavior change (Ó Donnchadha, 2018). To change our children’s challenging behaviors, we often have to change how we respond to their challenging behaviors. Therefore, creating a checklist for yourself of how often you implement mindfulness to get you through stressful times may provide you with additional motivation to keep these self-help practices going strong. You implemented mindfulness procedures three times today? Reward yourself with a warm bath, 10-minutes of your favorite book, or a piece of your favorite chocolate!
All parents experience differing levels of stress, but when parents have children that demonstrate challenging behaviors (e.g. aggression, tantrums) they may experience heightened levels of stress. Fortunately, mindfulness procedures have been found to directly reduce the stress that parents experience (N.N. Singh et al., 2007). No matter what mindfulness intervention (or combination of interventions) you decide to use, remember to be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that self-growth is a process and that tomorrow is another day to be a better parent than you were yesterday or today.
Sources:
Ahemaitijiang, N., Hu, X., Yang, X., & Han, Z. R. (2020). Effects of meditation on the soles of the feet on the aggressive and destructive behaviors of Chinese adolescents with autism spectrum disorders. Mindfulness, 11(1), 230–240. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-019- 01246-z.
Beer, M., Ward, L., & Moar, K. (2013). The relationship between mindful parenting and distress in parents of children with an autism spectrum disorder. Mindfulness, 4(2), 102–112. https://doi.org/10.1007/ s12671-012-0192-4.
Singh, N. N., Lancioni, G. E., Winton, A. S., Karazsia, B. T., Myers, R. E., Latham, L. L., & Singh, J. (2014). Mindfulness-based positive behavior support (MBPBS) for mothers of adolescents with autism spectrum disorder: Effects on adolescents’ behavior and parental stress. Mindfulness, 5(6), 646–657.
Singh, N. N., Lancioni, G. E., Winton, A. S., Singh, J., Curtis, W. J., Wahler, R. G., & McAleavey, K. M. (2007). Mindful parenting decreases aggression and increases social behavior in children with developmental disabilities. Behavior Modification, 31(6), 749–771.
Ó Donnchadha, S. (2018). Stress in caregivers of individuals with intellectual or developmental disabilities: A systematic review of mindfulness-based interventions. Journal of Applied Research in Intellectual Disabilities: JARID, 31(2), 181–192. https://doi.org/ 10.1111/jar.12398.
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